Tags
anxiety, bipolar, fear, imagination, low self esteem, mental illness, obsessive compulsive, Paranoid personality disorder, psychiatry, psychology, trust
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“…telling an alcoholic to control his drinking is like telling a guy suffering the world’s most cataclysmic case of diarrhea to control his shitting.” ~ Steven King
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“Paranoid personality disorder (PPD) is a mental disorder characterized by paranoia and a pervasive, long-standing suspiciousness and generalized mistrust of others. Individuals with this personality disorder may be hypersensitive, easily feel slighted, and habitually relate to the world by vigilant scanning of the environment for clues or suggestions that may validate their fears or biases. Paranoid individuals are eager observers. They think they are in danger and look for signs and threats of that danger, potentially not appreciating other evidence.[1]” ~ Wikipedia
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Somebody said to me, “…you feel the need to place yourself at the center of every word so that every hurt seems aimed at you.” This poem is meant to answer this concern.
.
.
I don’t trust people.
There are medical reasons:
bipolar, obsessive compulsive
and paranoid personality disorders.
I take medication for them,
and practise daily
meditation.
I do irrational things;
even while I’m doing them
I know they’re irrational —
I do them anyway.
I can’t help it.
Usually, I live
a relatively sane existence;
then a trigger goes off
Bam!
Somebody’s talking
behind my back.
Somebody’s writing about me
for all the world to see.
Sleepless nights
rereading
what did he/she mean by that?
more sleepless nights
more rereading
more anxiety.
Why,
are they doing this to me?
What do I do?
There may be other explanations.
There are other people in the world
that may act the way I do,
say the things I say,
fit my description…
But, all of this,
all at once;
impossible.
So I ask,
“Are you writing about me?”
They say, “I sometimes write about people,
but not about you.”
Problem solved —
or is it?
They write about people —
I’m people…
more sleepless nights,
more rereading,
more anxiety.
I don’t trust people.
I’m not acting rational.
I’m not rational.
I know, I’m not rational.
I’m acting paranoid.
I am paranoid.
I know, I’m paranoid.
I should control my paranoia.
I should control my shitting.
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Dennis Cardiff 
My goodness, I have had this from time to time. It’s not always there though, so I’m not sure what that means. I guess it could just be in context to certain situations at certain times. I most of the time have a giggle when I know someone is talking behind my back, because I know, that my life is so boring, that they must be creating something made up to even consider talking about me.
In the future I would like people to be talking about how great of a massage therapist I am, that’all do. Nothing more, nothing less. I have simple needs. Nice to read your poetry Dennis, a real treat.
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I have great respect for massage therapists, having suffered many sports injuries. Sometimes, though, I just like a relaxing massage. I feel my best after a massage, sometimes I just go home and sleep peacefully, with no worries.
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I love this poem. It’s beautifully bold and holds so many truths. Thank you for posting this, and making me realize something new today.
You’re a wonderful writer. Keep writing!
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Thanks, I find it very difficult to explain my emotions to people who haven’t been there. They seem to think I have some ulterior motive, or reason for my actions. I don’t know the reason for my actions. With this poem I have, I think, come closer to explaining that state of mind.
You are a wonderful writer. I love “Hidden” and your “About” page. Keep writing and I’ll keep reading. ~ Dennis
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Accomplished poetry, and a boldly published post. We (I) are often guilty of making assumptions about the world in other people’s heads by studying their behaviour; we pretentiously call it empathy because we think we have achieved understanding. Then we get an inside glimpse of someone else’s reality and we realize we have no idea. We need more, valuable, meaningful post like this. Thanks.
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Thanks so much for your kind words. For the past three years I have visited, nearly every day, with homeless people who have mental disorders. They have been open with me about how they are persecuted by nightmares, bipolar disorder causing their thoughts to go “a hundred miles an hour”, self mutilations, paranoia. Discussing these feelings with them has given me the courage to write about my perceptions of the world.
A person said to me, “…you feel the need to place yourself at the center of every word so that every hurt seems aimed at you.” This poem is meant to answer their concern.
Blessings,
Dennis
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Once again I am amazed. We put ourselves out there for the world to see and often we reveal more than we intended. Thank you for sharing this part of yourself.
Lately I’ve been considering dedicating a post to the bloggers I follow. Nothing Earth shattering, just a blurb about why and a link. Mind if I pimp you to my followers a little more directly, and include you in this?
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Thanks for reading my post. I didn’t reveal more than I intended. This is simply an explanation of why I sometimes act or react the way I do. It has often been misunderstood.
A person said to me, “…you feel the need to place yourself at the center of every word so that every hurt seems aimed at you.” This poem is meant to answer this concern.
You mentioned, that you’ve “been considering dedicating a post to the bloggers I follow.” I would be honored to be included in that list. I’d be pleased to answer any questions. ~ Dennis
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Was being general 🙂
Awesome! I’ll take you up on that.
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Reblogged this on tot123itsme.
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Thanks, Chris, for reblogging my Post. It is much appreciated. ~ Dennis
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Reblogged this on Moderation Psychology and commented:
My friend, they probably ARE talking about you. Love it, embrace it and don’t care about it so that you don’t have to control your shitting. I am someone who believes in God in all of us – what Christians call – the Holy Spirit inside us giving us access to God which is why meditation works. If there is a design there is a designer, if there is a creation there is a creator. I don’t believe we were created by a big bang and you wouldn’t believe I could change my mind simply by clapping my hands., so since there are realities about this world we will never understand.,my theory is we should all just have faith in God and run with it because it doesn’t hurt to try. It hurts no-one to accept that your faith is between you and God and leave it at that which is probably why the Bible states: Do not Judge! The moment I totally threw myself into trying God – I accessed the kind of wisdom one can only dream about. It was the magic of something supernatural and I have lived with these little miracles everyday since; so no one can tell me that God doesn’t exist and as a result I simply don’t care what other people think. My oddities and the way I am trumps what anyone says about me. Everyone can talk about me and say what they like – when people come to listen to my so-called madness they will surely learn something valuable about themselves.
Thank you for your totally refreshing Post. If you don’t mind, whenever I want to use an example of a truly inspiring and self-accepting person – I’ll be talking about you.
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Thanks so much for your kind words and for reblogging my post ‘Paranoia’. I agree completely with what you say. You have shared much wisdom. ~ Dennis
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Reblogged this on Stop the Stigma! and commented:
Beautifully written and brilliantly explained…
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Thanks, Cheryl, for reblogging my post. It is very much appreciated. ~ Dennis
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You are so welcome…it is I that thank YOU for sharing, Dennis.
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This is awesome! Thanks so much for writing this so beautifully! Namaste, CL
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Thanks so much, Cheryl, for your kind words and for what you are doing to educate the public about mental illness. I’ve felt obliged, lately, to tell the story of why I behave the way I do. I hope my message came across loud and clear. ~ Dennis
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It always more powerful when it is a self-disclosure. That IS what removing the stigma is…encouraging people to talk. I shared some things here I never did at work but hey, I have to practise I preach now don’t I?
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I’ve known several alcoholics over the years and paranoia is definitely part of their problems. Tragic, so many lives and talent wasted along the way…
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I’m not an alcoholic, but it would be easy for me to become one. Most of my friends are alcoholic and paranoia, insomnia, nightmares, dry heaves in the morning are all part of it. Alcoholism is a disease and needs to be treated as such. Thanks for stopping by. ~ Dennis
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Aw, this was touching. Hugs! I feel like we all have these tendencies to a degree, but the abnormal level of your paranoia amplifies it. I have so much respect for you.
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Thanks for the hug, Brittany. I needed that. I love your poetry. It inspires me. So much hinted at and not said, so much mystery, so seductive. I also like Emily Dickinson. ~ Dennis
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This is so brilliant Dennis and it really hit a nerve with me. Thanks for sharing it. 🙂
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Hi Jade, thanks for reading this and understanding. Ninety-five percent of the time I’m ‘normal’, for five percent of the time, I’m the guy in the picture. I have tried to explain this to people with whom I have a close relationship, employers, perhaps now I have. ~ Dennis
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I reckon you probably have!
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